SPM moment (2020 Edition)

            

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

Please read this post with an open heart and open mind. This post is not to brag about myself nor to belittle anyone. Once you do that, you are welcome to continue reading :))

        🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

         10 June 2021, the date i will forever remember for the rest of my life. We cant go to school anyway due to PKP. That was on Thursday, my siblings and I decided to ganti puasa. So after sahur, I stayed up until 10 am just to checked my SPM result. How pathetic. The moment I checked the on the website, I even refreshed the page twice because I just cant accept that. And I kinda dont feel anything yet at that time. Not until my mom come sitting next to me asking how many As i got. I showed the result to her and said that I am sorry I couldnt make up to her expectation. All she said was it's okay lah, Alhamdulillah dah ni. I keep saying Takpe ke ni ibu?. She convinced me that she really okay with that. But I know she actually expect me to do well. My heart literally couldnt take it and I was about SO CLOSE to go find some corner to cry. 

                This excessive feeling of guilt will haunt me to the death, I swear. All this feeling mixed up well through my soul. Sad, mad, dissapointed, frustated, crushed. What else? Just named it. Those negative feelings surrounds over my thoughts. When sidang media announce that the students this year have a better perfomance throughout these 5 years, what should I expect then? I set a target as 7A solid so that it would be easier for me to access scholarship or a firm guarantee to get into Universiti Awam. But it turns out 5As only. Btw. here is the result:-

       

            I just cant imagine how did carve a smile on that day. After receive the results and so on, I've decided to take a nap around 1pm. I actually CRIED before I sleep. Thats the point that I realized that my result is not good. Suddenly got a call from my atok around 3pm. I didnt pick up the calls because I was too mamai and Im still sad about it. And guess what I did? I switch my phone into airplane mode. What a foolish act. Then, he called my mom instead. But its okay, I already said sorry to him. And yah, my dad gave me a bucket full of chocolate and balloons. I dont really know how does he actually feel. Did he proud of me? Or what? But thanks for validating my efforts pa :)) I feel a bit appreciated.

            Recaps to my past achievement: UPSR 5A, PT3, 9A 1B, 5A 1B 3C. It turned to the moment I think that I am such a burden to my parent. Now, my merit to enter course I wanted didnt pass and Im hating myself for this. But to whom should I rant? No one understand.......

        I am burt into tears right now. I cant hold it anymore. I wanna pursue TESL so much :(( That was my SOLELY plan. But the chances seems thin. Too much people manage to get straight A so I would be just rejected away.

        For these 18 years of living, this is the worst version of me. Academic? Failed. Attitude? Failed. Spiritual? Failed.

         WHAT AM I? A total dissapointment. Is it? Am i being judged by a single sheet of certificate? That piece of paper decided my value? Right? 5As? Then, what is the purpose going to MRSM? Going to bitara pulak tuh. Im wasting my parents' money, energy and time. IM HATING MYSELF SO MUCH AT THIS POINT.

        Menghadap laptop and fill all these stuffs makes me blaming myself for not working hard. I know the past is irreversible but too many thoughts that coming along the way, like dissapointing the ones that expected you to do well. I felt so small seeing my batchmates doing so well. Im super proud of them. I never envy on their achievement. It just all on me. I dissapoint by myself. I am comparing me to myself. 

           This entry just to rant what i feel okay. I know there is no pont crying over spilled milk. Going to give myself for about 2-3 days more to wallow it. Then get up and start planning again for my future. Lastly, congratulation to my friends that did tremendously well in SPM. Wishing you guys all the best!

Bake some cookies for myself as coping mechanism:)) My neigbour said it was delicious that I should sell it! Hahahaha maybe this is a sign for me be a baker instead.

                                                                                                                    Written by,
                                                                                                                           M.